Yup, it has not been the easiest, most pleasant week of my life that's for sure. It started when I got the news that something I had been working on for a long time didn't come through. I had a lot of faith and heart and soul put into it and it just didn't happen. At first I comforted myself by saying that it wasn't meant to be and God has something better for me. But that still doesn't take away from the fact that I am disappointed.
Sometimes, as Christians, we feel we are suppose to be these uber cheery and ridiculously happy people all the time. But that's not what God has promised us. He promised us that life would be rough. There would be tough times. But he also promised us His peace and His joy which doesn't always mean being cheery and happy. His joy is that deep heart-knowledge that He is truly wonderful even when our circumstances aren't. His peace comes from knowing that He indeed has good plans for us and that there is hope for us. However, I can still cry, can't I?
Ok, well apart from that I came down with the worst stomach flu. I had been so cautious not to get it since I knew it was going around, but of course my fears became reality when I woke up with a terrible tummy ache on monday morning. Let's just say that the rest of the day was spent in the bathroom.
I guess what makes it worse is that I was all alone. My parents had gone to Mexico on a vacation and I was by myself in the house. I absolutely dread being by myself in the house. I do not sleep if there is not another body in the house.
Then I questioned my life and where it was going. Often I look at what I have under my belt and there is not a whole lot there. Friends are graduating from university, finding good jobs and getting married. I can't seem to find a job for the life of me and I have little schooling (and the schooling I did to was to work in the Non-profit sector ie. make no money). I know I get a little irrational (and if you knew how old I was you would think that I am crazy to be thinking stuff like this and should just enjoy my life). I wouldn't trade living and being a missionary in africa for anything. But in those low moments, that's where my mind wanders.
So if you mix my disappointment with my awful flu plus being lonely plus questioning my life and add in another dozen challenges (that seem small now but in my state, they were only one more thing to knock me down) it was a pretty sucky week.
I came to Kelowna to hang out with my brother and visit my Deda in the hospital. I have to say that my Deda is making great improvements!! I didn't know if I would ever see him again but now we are having the most precious moments together. He still has a long way to go but God has worked miracles in him. He has started asking me to pray with him. He absolutely loves it. He holds my hands and closes his eyes. He then puts this grin of contentment on his face and listens to me pray. Just as I say 'amen', he looks at me and says, "that was beautiful." He has been a little source of unexpected joy in my week.
However, I was struck in my gut as I was leaving the hospital tonight.
I got in the elevator with an older woman to go down to the first floor. She was getting off at the wrong floor so i corrected her kindly. She told me she was going to the smoking area of the hospital but didn't quite know where it was. I had passed it many times so I offered to show her where it was. We got off the elevator together and she asked what I was doing there. I told her about my grandfather and how he had been living in the ICU for the past two months. I then asked her if she was here for long and she sort of shrugged. I then realized it probably wasn't my place to ask what was wrong with her. I got a little flustered and started trying to redeem myself. She just looked at my and said,
'I have terminal cancer.'
Terminal cancer. Like the kind of cancer that will inevitably kill you sooner or later. Ouch.
I didn't know what to say to her so I just showed her where she could go have her smoke. She thanked me and that was the end of our conversation.
I walked out of the hospital with a whole new perspective. Yes, this week was tough but it can't be compared to walking around with a death sentence over your head.
Just when I thought my week sucked, God showed me how blessed I really am.